記憶の博物館

I have been blabbing about Demons everyday on Twitter....it is truly an amazing literary work.....

The fact that everyone is insane before they entered the novel...their hysterically nonsensical talks and unfathomable behavior......I LOVE ALL OF THESE QUALITIES....

Every character is so different from anyone else I have ever encountered. The moment you think they are one thing, the next moment they do something that completely breaks EVERY SINGLE image you have of them....

they simply make NO FUCKING SENSE...and THAT is fucking awesome.

I enjoy reading these crazy characters that you can never understand how in the world had come together in the first place.

Russia has left me a really good image so far. They are just so different from everything else. Nobody cares about sex...men are impotent and women rule in the house. Everyday I kept asking myself: "What have I just read? Another 100 pages of rumors and madness." cant get any better.

People simply come to the conclusion that the only way to be happy is NOT to THINK....then does that mean we can only achieve happiness through insanity? I dont know. Maybe suicide is another approach--we can stop thinking forever.

But enough with the morbid talk, let's get to the main point of my entry:

So I dont know who are the villain and hero of this novel....Stavrogin or Pyotr?

I want to think Stavrogin as the hero....he acts in the most elegant manner...he is rich, educated, HANDSOME....overall....your typical OMG prince kinda guy......THEN the next thing I read is him biting off the governor's ear and raping a 12 year old girl just to see what is gonna happen (she killed herself btw).....when I concluded that this man is fucking disgusting and vile....he comes to rescue a man (Shatov) he hardly knows......THEN he gives money to a guy to have his wife killed....at this point I have given up defining Stavrogin's character....it is utterly impossible....

what I REALLY dont understand is.....why is everyone SO ATTRACTED to this man?

Shatov seems to have no problem declaring his love for Stavrogin knowing that Stavrogin had banged his wife.

and then....Pyotr.....the guy who is supposed to play the villain....said the following to Stavrogin:

"Stavrogin, you're a beauty!" exclaimed Pyotr Stepanovich almost in ECSTASY. "You know, you're a real beauty! What's most precious about you is that you sometimes don't know it. Oh, I've made a close study of you! I often look at you when you're not aware of it!............I love beauty. Well, I love idols. You are my idol!.........You are precisely what is needed. I, I need precisely someone like you. I don't need anyone except you. You are a leader, you are the sun, and I'm your worm..."

He suddenly kissed his hand. A chill ran down Stavrogin's spine, and he snatched his hand away in fear.

-----------------------------

DUDE....WHAT HAVE I JUST READ?!!......

Pyotr is such a creep LMAO.

I think I understand why everyone is deathly afraid of Stavrogin but at the same time attracted to him now....."YOU'RE A REAL BEAUTY!"

oh god I want to draw fanarts of Stavrogin now......8D

my LAST order from last year finally arrived today....Im surprised that they pushed the release date one month earlier than expected tho!...w/e me aint complaining///

but before that....I have to annoy you over a dish that I got into recently....


FUCKING PINEAPPLE FRIED-RICE IS THE BEST THING EVER....
I LOVE PINEAPPLES
I LOVE PINEAPPLES
I LOVE PINEAPPLES
I LOVE PINEAPPLES

I never liked Thai food before but THIS dish...I fell in love with this baby @ first sight....SO DELICIOUS....and its so nicely decorated too!....I finished the whole thing ahaha....


okay here is my Sweet Pool mug~....look how tiny it is compared to my polka dot mug and ID card holder (that Chinko gave to me) I will use it to hold virgin boy's blood or something~...*serious face*


I just have to do this LOL


and this~...8D

this is the first time for me to purchase an animu mug and I feel utterly retarded after I bought it....D: now I have three mugs in my dorm LOL....

Since Im talking about the things that I regret buying....might as well make the list complete..


this~


and this..

fucking buying on impulse is the worst tihng ever....

usually I dont regret buying things....but these two clear case folders....man I know for a fact that I wont use them one way or another....

cant put them up on the wall....cant use them because they are so fragile and breakable...:< and I have broken a few of those already....

....those two folders cost me a lot of $$ too dammit...SO NOT WORTH IT.....

In conclusion: I am a Nitro+Chiral whore...Im hopeless...|||||

I need to write down everything I need to do this week so I wont forget.

Wed.
-JP Drill session
-study for JP Kanji quiz 4 tmrw
-Read 2 ch. of Demons+answer questions
-Read 2 ch. of JP Hist+read & print Meiji Constitution
-Read Acct. CH+take notes
-Catch up with IB reading

Thurs.
depends on what I did on wed.

Fri.
-JP hw
-Memorize JP vocab for quiz next Mon.
-Acct hw. (still one more prob)
-Acct lab
-Finish English essay
-start on History essay
-Read IB
-e-mail XXX
-Catch up on reading Demons and History

Sat.
-depends on what I did on Fri.

Sun.
-Career Forum
-GUSIF meetings

ALSO: buy batteries that are not Duracell and pay back my prof.

OVERALL: pretty good progress so far....lets hope tomorrow (sunday) will also be a productive one.

To the ppl who didnt follow me on Twitter/add me on Xiaonei....(I seriously doubt there are any....unless you are a stalker....

I AM STILL ALIVE....believe it or not.

I want to delete my last entry so bad its fucking embarrassing but I will keep it there b/c I hate deleting journal entries...><;; maybe I will laugh at all these 2 years later.

I am trying very hard to survive this semester! So far I feel like I have been pretty productive and healthy!

I eat regularly (except today...too busy) I sleep before 1am....wake up at 8 or 9...and I am not obsessed with anything right now so I can focus.

Currently I am looking for my options for this summer. I want to study abroad but if I am going to study abroad in JP in my junior year then I shouldnt be going there for summer again|||....I want to go to an English speaking country (since I cant speak anything else LOL...now I wish I continued with French)....possibly Britain again....but XXX only accepts upperclassmen..:< so I will most likely stay in US and just take it easy by taking some summer classes...~ (maybe even Art if I can find a good school!WOOT)

-------------------the real situation------------------

I AM SO FUCKING FUCKEDDDDDD.......AHHHHHH :< :< :< :< :<

too much reading!!!!!....and I read fucking SLOW.....

history+Russian Lit is REALLY NOT a good combination......I basically have to read 100 pages everyday for my Lit class....JUST THAT ONE CLASS!

Managerial accounting is fucking IMPOSSIBLE.....so much harder than Financial accting.....the teacher assured us that he will be MEAN on the midterm....thanx bro!

International Business is fecking meaningless......I read the chapter and I dont know whats important LOL.....but the group cases are quiet nasty.....and I heard ppl from last year that the midterms/final are ridiculous.....

Japanese is getting out of control too....ughhh the verb/noun/adj conjugations always fuck me up.....and I keep forgetting the vocabs/kanjis I learned.....:< :< :<

I think I will only join one club (student investment fund) this semester.....cant manage all these shit all at once BAWWWW.....

------------------------rant over--------------------

okay back to close-reading my wonderful Modern History of Japan txtbook...:3
GOOD NIGHTO MI AMIGO!

I dont know what to say to my parents now.

Everything just went horrible recently.

I really tried....to do well...

but it just seems the harder the effort the worse I do....WHY IS THAT?...

I have been feeling nauseous lately....I lost appetite, I couldnt sleep...and my heart was racing like a horse....I never felt so much pressure before. My parents did their best to not put any pressure on me. They told me they just "want me to be happy.“

Once again I am the one to blame. My competitive nature does not allow me to...not do well....I put immense pressure on myself...forcing myself to study harder harder and harder....if it means I will study 20 hours a day with two cups of coffee...then so be it....

but look at the result of my "intense studying"

Today during my 3hr accounting final....I just blanked out.....I forgot everything....

this never happened to me before.

I was studying the minute before the final too...yet I dont remember a single word I read.

the test is apparently easy to others as they finished it quickly and left with confidence....I on the other hand...did not even get a chance to BS my way through....

I am really disappointed in myself...I worked so hard for this class....all the homework and projects and exams....I worked so hard just so I can get at least an A- for my business core....I did bad on some but I was hoping that I could use this final to bump up my grade...look what a disaster I caused!!

All my finals turned out horribly....I thought I did well on Psych but ended up getting a B......and Econ...I dont even want to start on that one....I JUST want a B

I feel depressed that everyone around me is doing very well and seems to have an easy time here....it is not until I came here that I wished I had gone to a private high school or studied harder in Osos....or better yet....studied in China until I graduate HS....I am ashamed to be an Asian because my math skills is literally shit and my English is not good either....:< what am I doing here?

I am glad that my roommate has already left.....it feels great to cry out loud so no one can hear....or care....at this moment I just want to talk to my journal...because it wont give me bullshit like "YOU ARE DOING GREAT ALREADY" or "THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER CHANCE"...because I know whats done is done and I am doing FUCKING HORRIBLE....

As of the moment I dont want to go back to Cali at all....I cant face my parents...they told me to not pressure myself and yet I did and scored horribly on finals....why cant I just listen to everything my parents say then my life will be so much happier?

I am giving up on the idea of transferring....Stern wont accept a stupid ass like me who cant get anything better than a B....AND...I also realized I fucking hate business...actually I just hate everything...I want to QUIT.....

College is a scary place...I hardly remember a time that I was feeling HAPPY....it taught me nothing but despair and the idea that "hard effort does not equal good grades"....haha....and I was so looking forward to go to college when I was in HS....

On that note...it is actually better to go back home and pretend to be a little cheerful HS kid who is spoiled by her parents again....

OK...I stopped crying now....I think I will start packing.